I can’t feel my face when I’m with you but I love it

20th Birthday Girl!

Did you know it’s possible to miss someone when they are sitting right next to you? Did you know that it is possible to look at someone’s face and it hurts so bad you must look away? Did you know that it is possible to cry on the inside while you smile until your face hurts on the outside? Did you know you are able to nod and say ‘Yes, that’s fine’ when everything inside of you is screaming ‘no!’. Did you know that it’s possible to absolutely loathe a song that you used to love before? Did you know it’s possible to be so sad that your heart breaks every time you think of seeing someone for the last time? It is possible. I know. Because that’s my life right now.

Kevin leaving feels like one prolonged, unending suffering coupled with the blessing of his warm presence and trying to soak up every second that I can spend with him, without smothering him or imposing on him and Georgia. It’s a fine balancing act but one I’m proud to say I’m managing quite ok at the moment. But it’s hard. It’s damn hard to look at his face and to know that it will be such a long time before I would see that naughty smile again (or be scared shitless when he waits for me in the passage and makes an unearthly sound whilst I jump so high, I can break some kind of record.) To smell his deodorant or listen to his infectious laugh. To give him a quick massage and take in every inch of the being of this person that I was so blessed to birth.

We went for a quick bite this afternoon after collecting his foreign currency and I enjoyed every second. I marveled in his ability to enjoy ribs and wings like it’s his last meal on earth. I laughed at his jokes and I listened intently to the insane wisdom that comes from deep within my child. He said to me: “Mom, I am an arrow and you did such a superb job at forming and sharpening me, that I can now travel much further than you ever thought possible and you have to let me go even though it hurts.” I could literally not breathe. My insightful, sensitive son had me speechless yet again. But I smiled and nodded and hoped that he would change the subject, which he did. I sometimes forget that he knows me so well. And a scene in a public place is the last thing either of us needed. But I had a lovely time and it was so nice to have a few precious minutes to spend with him all by myself.

It is such a difficult balancing act to allow everyone who loves Kev to say goodbye to him, yet still try to spend as much time as possible with him without crowding him or imposing on him and Georgia. I am so very mindful that this beautiful young woman is going through one of the hardest things any woman can go through – saying farewell to your ‘person.’ I have grown to love and respect this young lady more and more every day. She is wise and cute and funny, and she’s got my son wrapped around her little finger – and as I was painstakingly scrutinizing the menu at Moo Moo this afternoon, looking for an exquisite vegetarian dish for her in a restaurant that speciliazes in meat, I realised I was firmly wrapped around that little finger as well! She is very calm and remarkably insightful during this very difficult time and despite her own infinite sadness, she comforts me and counsels me and reminds me to put Kevin’s needs first. I would have been lost without her, put my foot in it more often than not and would probably have cheesed (and chased) off my son in the process!

Amidst all this sadness, gorgeous Georgia is turning 20 today! Kevin and I can’t wait to give her gifts to her and she is looking forward to spending her special day with her special person. My wish for Georgia is a corny one, but it’s honestly what I so sincerely wish for her on her 20th birthday: I wish her joy and happiness but above all things, I wish her love. Georgia, you have changed all our lives for the better and I truly cannot imagine Kevin with anyone else. As so many of his friends told me this past weekend: You are a perfect fit. Thank you for giving of yourself so freely and thank you for allowing him to just be Kev and for loving all of him all of the time. It may not look like I do, but I realize that he is most definitely not an angel walking on water – I fully realize that he can be a handful sometimes. But you handle him with so much grace and compassion and patience that you make him a better person in the process. I will never be able to thank you enough for being part of Kevin’s life. The day you two realized you loved each other, was the day I was blessed with a beautiful new soul in my life, and no matter what, I will be eternally grateful for knowing you. I hope your day is all that you dreamed it would be and I hope you savour and enjoy every second with Kev. You are special and wonderful and I love you so very, very much.


#Emigrate #Emigration #Parenting #SayingGoodbye

Banking details:
Nicci Coertze Inc.
Capitec Savings
Account no: 1358502534
Branch code: 470010
Proof: nicci@vox.co.za.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Pinterest
  • Instagram