I loved you first.
Someone asked me after my previous post if Nathin (my firstborn) wouldn’t be hurt by the fact that I called Kevin ‘the apple of my eye’ – among other things. I was quite taken aback by this question, but I do understand how people may wonder about this, especially if they don’t know our family dynamics (and the relationship I have with my boys!)
I was 22 years old when Nathin was born prematurely in 1995 (23 years ago!) My pregnancy was a total surprise (I was on birth control) and I had an awful pregnancy as I suffered from severe hyperemesis gravidarum. I had a horrible natural vaginal birth at a private hospital (that is a story for another day) that I thought was going to last forever – I was in labour for 36 hours and my prem baby was whisked off to NICU straight away, I didn’t even get to see him. I didn’t get a chance to count his toes and touch his little body and to be in awe of the miracle of life. I couldn’t breastfeed him. He was just taken away. I felt totally disconnected and to me it was almost surreal to think of myself as a mother. I was thrown into motherhood and to be completely honest, I wasn’t remotely ready for it. But I bit the bullet and did the best I could . My little boy was a very clever baby (and very clever toddler, and very clever teenager, and is currently a VERY clever IT Project Engineer) who walked when he was just 9 months old. Not that it’s a sign of intelligence at all, but he reached every milestone earlier than other babies. Nathin was also a very stubborn, strong-willed child from the day he was released from NICU! Nothing was easy with him. Just absolutely nothing. But he was a beautiful baby, and everyone thought he was just the cutest thing (and did I mention, very clever?) I am convinced by the way, that had he not been the stubborn little boy that he was, he would never have fought as hard as he did when he was born! He was born strong-willed for a reason!!
Kevin was my ‘easy’ baby, and up to this day at 21 years old, he is one of the most easy-going, friendly and goofy guys you’ll ever meet. His brother on the other hand, is so intelligent that you sometimes are at a loss for words when you are in his presence. Nathin is brilliantly clever, and I have lost every single argument with him since he was 2 years old! He is my complicated, sensitive, obnoxious, intelligent, crazy-clever, very handsome son. Nathin and Kevin are two complete opposites – I have never met two people who differ more than those two!
Nathin was and is an enigma. He questions everything, doesn’t accept just any answer to his very intricate and (sometimes totally weird) questions and has a life and world view that some people will never understand. He listens to heavy (HEAVY) metal music, he regularly questions religion and he can spot a fake from a mile away. You cannot bullshit Nathin – don’t even try. He is the most honest and straightforward person I know. He is also doing incredibly well as a professional in the workplace. He knows anything and everything about computers. He started his job as IT Engineer last year and has already been promoted. He really is ridiculously clever – and other people say that too, not just me! It was exhausting to be his mother when he was little, and sometimes it still is. There is NOTHING mediocre about Nathin. He challenges everything, questions everything and argues about almost everything. He is completely different. Truly in his own league! Despite his faults (of which I have a lot more!) it brings me only joy to be his mom. Nathin challenges me, raises my blood pressure and he makes me think – and sometimes he makes me worry! He believes in righteousness and the Righteous One yet he detests religion (which upsets religious people a LOT ) . He is non-apologetic about who he is, in fact, he is the most authentic person I know. He is a non-conformist – and even if that means that I have to please explain a lot, I love that about him! He is independent and fights his own battles – even though I would have liked for him to need me more. He is never demanding and he has never been a brat about ‘stuff’. He is truly thankful for everything he has and he never complains or feels sorry for himself about money or ‘things’. Sometimes I look at other people’s children and I am astonished at their sense of entitlement – and when I look at my firstborn son I see only thankfulness. I am very, very blessed to be Nathin’s mother. Despite my many mistakes and despite the fact that I am the reason that he is from a broken home, I am good enough for him. He has always made me feel that I am enough as a mother, even if he doesn’t always ‘get’ me, or I him. It is very difficult for me to make the transition in my head that he is an adult. Because in my heart he will always be my little prem baby boy. I am so incredibly thankful for the human being that he is and for who he is as my son, what he means in my life and the amazing honour it is to be his mother. Kevin and I have an emotional and spiritual connection but Nathin and I have an intellectual connection that I won’t trade for anything in the world. I love to banter with him via text messages and he sends me the funniest, wittiest memes – I just love it!! I will always be on Nathin’s side, no matter what. I have a deep and unending love for this incredibly special human being and he has a place in my heart that no one can ever take. I love him with all his mistakes and shortcomings – I love the whole of him.
I hope this clears up any questions there might have been about my first two boys. They are gloriously different and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Of course Kevin will feature a whole lot more in this blog than his brothers, seeing that he’s the reason I started it in the first place, AND the other two are on the same continent as I am! Kevin is going to be far, far away and I will deal with the infinite sadness of the situation by writing about it – my ‘medicine’ ever since I can remember! Although I’m sure he wants to throttle him some days, I know that Nathin is not threatened by Kevin. And he is mature enough to appreciate our relationship for what it is: OUR relationship!
Little Jaedin brought a whole lot of balance between Nathin and Kevin, and even if they argue about anything and everything, both of them love Jaedin endlessly, and that makes all the difference! Nathin will always be my firstborn and first-loved son! I don’t compare my children because there’s no comparison between the sun and the moon and the stars! They all shine when it’s their time.